From 23 to 25 November 2023 we ran Alyona Kopina’s online course “Nuances of Communicating with Servicemembers’ Families,” which received many warm responses from participants.

Alyona Kopina is not only a trainer at the Peace School but also the author of numerous projects within the Lab of Peaceful Solutions initiative. Thanks to her extensive experience in mediation and dialogue facilitation, she is known for her expertise in effective communication, team building, and conflict work.

A sociologist by training, she actively applies her knowledge to develop constructive and effective dialogue and cooperation programs. In this interview we examine key aspects of communication culture with defenders’ families, including within families and communities.

Tell us about your first experience working with servicemembers’ families. When did you realize that the issue of communication culture with them was becoming relevant? 

I first encountered the issue of communication culture with servicemembers and their families in 2015, when I participated in veteran reintegration projects. There I worked on training social service staff who helped veterans and their families prepare paperwork to receive benefits. Our goal was to analyze the causes of conflicts that arose during interactions, find quick ways to resolve them, reduce emotional tension, and establish mutual understanding.

During those trainings it became clear that the issue wasn’t with the veterans; it was with ourselves. The problem is that we are not ready to accept people who are not part of our “bubble” (the familiar circle of communication where we are surrounded by people similar to us in profession, lifestyle, and beliefs). Note that we rarely reflect on communication culture with teachers, doctors, emergency service workers, police, people with disabilities, internally displaced persons, or refugees. And when irritation and aggression arise in personal interactions out of misunderstanding, we often take offense and immediately shift responsibility onto the other side, who is often a representative of another “bubble.”

Tell us in more detail how your course went. Why does “communication culture” occupy a central place in it? 

Our course aimed to understand why people who live far from the front lines, in civilian life, either avoid talking with defenders, pity them, or—regrettably—despise them (increasingly you hear the refrain “I didn’t send you there”). Together with teachers who act as bridges between different “bubbles,” we analyzed what “culture” is and which social mechanisms govern our behavior in communication with others, including defenders. The course became essentially a laboratory for exchanging experiences and opinions based on participants’ personal stories. While reflecting on the results of the course exercises, we concluded that the culture of communication touches many layers of our existence. It’s not only outward manifestations—clothes or a way of speaking—but also the values, beliefs and ways of perceiving others that are embedded in each of us. Culture is primarily about “this is how we usually do things,” “this is our custom,” and “this is wrong to do,”—and it isn’t printed on a poster or on a notice by the opening hours. For example, when meeting with a CNAP employee it’s not acceptable to swear, or to express your anger by shouting “You don’t respect me!” We very much want the people around us to behave politely; we get lost or become aggressive when confronted with anger, irritation, or despair. It seems to us that our “stable” system of agreements is being attacked. Those who do this are seen as “others,” “outsiders.” An “other” can even be your neighbor you know well, who volunteered for the front and returned with a shaken nervous system, exhausted and desperate at having to go through another round of hell to obtain necessary documents. Suddenly his manner and reactions either frighten or outrage you. And in fact we lack cultural agreements about what to do when someone behaves outside the usual unwritten rules.

Another cause of such fears and indignation is that when communicating with members of other “bubbles” it’s difficult to find common ground, and that’s frightening because you don’t know how the dialogue might develop. When a person is afraid, unconscious defensive mechanisms kick in: we attack, avoid, or freeze.

That is why the culture of communication is also about how we resolve conflicts and reach agreements.

What, in your view, causes people to feel fear when speaking with defenders? 

Beyond what was said above, at the root of this fear is a big gap between the “bubbles” of defenders and those of the civilian population. First, we see the uniform, not the person. Stereotypes easily attach to a “uniform”: “hero,” “manly,” “brave,” “unbreakable,” as well as “aggressive” or “unpredictable.” Stereotypes and generalizations place defenders inside society’s expectations and often misinterpret their behaviour. The same happens to their families. We rarely consider the price parents, wives, children and relatives pay, the responsibilities they bear, and the burdens they endure. When your loved ones are at the front, you live in constant anxiety and extreme nervous tension. That is without mentioning families who, sadly, receive news of the killed or missing.

That is why it is important to learn to accept the variety of emotions and experiences that families of service members face. Society should become a “container” for pain — learning to withstand and accept others as they are, rather than seeking explanations in the “pixel” they wear or in labels like “they all have PTSD.”

What advice would you highlight for building communicationwith male and female defenders and their families? 

First of all, it’s important to remember that every person has the right to be themselves: to scream, to cry, to be brave, resilient and enduring, and at the same time to be weak, apathetic, or indifferent. Accepting this requires recognizing the person within yourself. Identifying your own fears and understanding your capacities as well as your boundaries and those of others greatly helps. This is not an easy task, and it means actively working on yourself: learning effective communication techniques such as paraphrasing, holding pauses, avoiding judgments and speaking about observable behavior, offering help only when it is requested, and learning to withhold advice even when it seems well-intentioned. You also need to be aware of your emotions and learn to say “no” when you can no longer help others — that is part of the process. Ultimately, this is about culture — a culture of support and self-support. To communicate with others you must be ready to accept their pain, suffering and the injustices they face. That requires resources and inner support, which are also the result of working on yourself. In practice, there are no specific pills or recipes for “proper communication” with defenders and their families. Together with course participants we concluded that the initial steps in communication are an individual approach, attentive listening, and a warm, caring attitude.

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